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Ashlee is Mama of one darling boy. A 28 week early bird, now 1 and some change, doing beautifully. She lives near Chicago with her sweetheart husband and French Bulldog. She's a thinker not afraid to get her silly on. Babywearer, veggie queen, photography nut. Before the domestic days Ashlee was pursuing a future in developmental psychology but has happily shifted gears in favor of staying at home and couldn't imagine doing anything else. In her free time (ha!) you can find her whipping up babyslings, holding down the fort at Mama Speaks and spotlighting as an Itsy Bitsy Yoga Instructor.

girls are weird

I feel obligated to start by saying that I have an awesome clan of girly friends for the first time in a long time. The kind of friends that send you the MLS listing to the house across the street (while living several states away), show up at funerals, know what's going on with you without having to say a word and can have a conversation looking you in the eye even though you presently look like a poor man's Sideshow Bob. I love them. And at this stage in my life Friends are family bottom line.

But all this goodness can make those relationships that aren't, stand out like that strange odor coming from my garbage disposal.

I have this friend who since meeting a few years ago I've felt connected to. Similar interests, history, place in our lives, not to mention the common people intertwined. I just think she's awesome. But there is this valley that just can't seem to be crossed. For every attempt to connect or draw closer is matched with a push in the other direction, with jealousy or comparison or competition. Support or personal experience is drunk in as judgment. And it's frustrating! I've spent so much time sensoring myself, wondering what else can I do? HAVE I done something to create this? I even made the mistake of trying to talk to my dear husband about things, who now thinks us women and our relational drama are completely mad.

Now, I'm not saying all of my friends need to best friends there are those I only talk to once or twice a year, thanks to this here blog there are gals I barely know but would consider friends in a heartbeat, I get that. But this relationship, for lack of grown up linguistics, just feels yucky. Often. And in dissecting things I've come to an enlightening realization... It's not me. Has positively nothing to do with me. It's freeing. And while this doesn't neccesarily mean I'll stop caring or will withdraw my hand, it has given me permission to stop worrying, to stop taking it personally. And has given me freedom to focus elsewhere.

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  • Blogger Butterfly Mama says so:
    3:07 PM  

    Yes, I can relate. I had a neighbor that I felt this way about and we both ended up having miscarriages within weeks of each other. At first this seemed to strengthen our relationship but as time grew on, who she was, just wasn't me. And I've like you said just stopped focusing on her. We moved so I don't see her that often anymore and while I do care for her, we just both have two different ideas of what friendship really is. top

  • Blogger To Think is to Create says so:
    3:11 PM  

    I have a friend in my life like this, and you took the words out of my mouth. I was tired of always feeling the "yuck" until I finally realized it wasn't me. I had done my best, and once I sat back a bit and let it just organically flow, I did feel that freedom you describe. I'd like to say the friendship flourished, but it did not. It's not always on us to "fix" the other person, but I do know that I'll be here whenever she decides she really wants me in her life. top

  • Blogger Adventures In Babywearing says so:
    3:34 PM  

    That's a good place to come to- and a mature thing- being free and knowing it's not about you and that's ok!

    Steph top

  • Anonymous Mama c-ta says so:
    4:44 PM  

    Girls are weird, especially ones that send you MLS listings (by the way I did put the downpayment on it for you).

    But to realize it's not you takes a lot of strength, it's so much easier to take the blame for what is wrong in a relationship of any kind. She'll realize it too, and she probably has for a long time but hopefully she'll see sabatoging it isn't helping and she's really missing out on a great friend. Enjoy the freedom. top

  • Anonymous judeswords says so:
    3:35 AM  

    I am blessed with 3 gal-pals who love me. Due to our stations in life and familial responsibilities, we each pretty much subscribe to the philosophy "if the phone doesn't ring it's me". Nonetheless, within the "4" of us - is authenticity. We cherish our rare connections - they're real and precious and usually hilarious - but every time is edifying.

    Why then do I oft feel "invisible" by a specific one or two who, for reasons only known to themselves, consistently look THROUGH me rather that at me when I try to show compassion or empathy or... Why, when I am truly fulfilled with "family/friends" - do I allow these 2 to "pain" me? At almost 52 I'm old enough to have figured out that not everyone is going to be my buddy...

    The reality is, as you stated so well - it's not about me - it's THEIR issue. So I pray for them. (admittedly I'd like a little ZAP now & then - bad girl I am!). They may not change, but my attitude about them usually does.

    For the record, I wish I had learned this lesson when I was your age...

    Love you. top

  • Blogger This Mama's Trip says so:
    2:03 PM  

    I have a "best friend" who really only became my "best friend" because our husbands are best friends. At first it was a great friendship...but over the past few years it has become toxic. How do you end a friendship is so weaved into your everyday life? I struggle with this. Not to mention that she is really my only friend that lives close. Girls are crazy and friendship is hard. Sometimes it is not worth the work. top

  • Anonymous Anonymous says so:
    8:24 PM  

    Hey... So, I don't know you and you don't know me. I just randomly happened on your blog and I had a thought as I read this entry.

    Did you ever talk to this person about your feelings toward her?

    I admit, I am of the male gender so I cannot fully understand the insane complexity of how the female brain/heart/feelings work, but I do feel that I understand how grown up, mature people should interact.

    Maybe you are afraid of confrontation, but things would truly be better if your feelings were out in the open rather than bottled up and brewing inside yourself cultivating bitterness.

    My suggestion... Approach your friend in love (this is very, very important) and share how you feel. Maybe she feels the same way towards. In reality, you may be communicating one thing to her, and completely convinced that you are saying something else. If you want to further this friendship: Communicate.

    My final thought. If all else fails... You don't have to be friends with everyone. You do need to love them sacrificially, though.

    -Friend top

  • Blogger New Mama's Nest says so:
    8:42 PM  


    Since writing this post we have talked. and of course there were crossed wires and misconmunications and old feelings taken to heart that were no longer valid, and so yes talking helped and opened the door for our friendship to move forward.

    That said, this post was very much about me and very much FOR me. Me realizing that I don't need to keep myself captive with unknowns and uncertainties, that I don't need to beat myself up over things beyond my control, that it's ok to let go. And in this situation there was no bitterness..,

    Confrontation doesn't come easy for me, especially verbally- but writing does. Through my written words I am free to mull and sort. And this is my forum to do so. top