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About

Ashlee is Mama of one darling boy. A 28 week early bird, now 1 and some change, doing beautifully. She lives near Chicago with her sweetheart husband and French Bulldog. She's a thinker not afraid to get her silly on. Babywearer, veggie queen, photography nut. Before the domestic days Ashlee was pursuing a future in developmental psychology but has happily shifted gears in favor of staying at home and couldn't imagine doing anything else. In her free time (ha!) you can find her whipping up babyslings, holding down the fort at Mama Speaks and spotlighting as an Itsy Bitsy Yoga Instructor.

Siete

It's been a week. One week without my father gracing this earth. In some ways it has seemed an eternity, in others a flash. Yesterday was the hardest day yet. Last week we were busy- gathering info and making arrangements, my phone was ringing off the hook, my brother and sister in law were flying in. And in three short days there was a birthday, a funeral and a dino party. We were reeling but moving. Constantly. Busy.

Monday everyone went back to work, my brother flew home, my phone barely rang at all. Just me and Xavier. Quiet. My thoughts. It was a tough day. A day I survived one minute at a time.

I know the world must continue on, that I must continue on, but who's to say how long it can take before I have to rejoin the rest of you? Days, weeks, months, years? I've answered emails, approved orders and published reviews because people count on me. I wiped butts and noses, cooked and cleaned because my family needs me. I've slept because I need me. But it all feels so unimportant.

Today X and I finished our Christmas shopping- we avoided, we acted, we DID. There were moments of pure joy and moments where I literally said out loud, "I can't do this right now." The few calls I have received have quickly turned from concern- how am I, what do I need. To people telling me how they are and needing things from me. I don't want anyone doting on me, it's not about me, but I don't feel like I have anything to give.

Maybe this is depression. This is real.

I know everyone deals differently, some move and do and act normal because that's what works for them. Some deny that it all exists until they crumble or explode. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have a plan. I do know I'm destroyed, that I'm nowhere ready for normal.

It has been seven days. Seven days of trying to put one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time, to make it through until normal feels right.

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  • Blogger Mommy Instincts says so:
    9:02 PM  

    i wish i knew the right words to say...but i don't. but i eill say this...

    i love you.

    and i know, for certain, that i am not the only one. top

  • Blogger JoynerFam says so:
    9:13 PM  

    It's gonna be ok Ash. We are here for you to cry on. I promise it will get better in time, and don't worry about being depressed it's understandable. You have tons of friends here for you.
    Amanda top

  • Blogger Adventures In Babywearing says so:
    9:53 PM  

    I continue to learn from you- not like you are some experiment, but you are raw and living life. I am here for whatever you need. I know you know that. I'll even cook or wipe butts. Whatever you need.

    xoxo
    Steph top

  • Blogger To Think is to Create says so:
    10:44 PM  

    I want to say something, but everything I can think of sounds so lame. I hope you know that we are here, even if you don't want to reach out. Grief is different for everyone, and depression is certainly a part of that. Just don't linger there too long, or we will dive in and get you. And that's a promise, lady. top

  • Blogger Carrington says so:
    10:50 PM  

    I agree with Steph, you are raw and authentic and honest with yourself, and with us. Know that you are doing the best you can do by putting one foot first. Let go of expectations you have on yourself, or others may have on you and let yourself experience whatever you feel like experiencing in that moment. Live through the pain with honestly (like you have been) and you will heal. Don't forget to ask for help and let other people take care of you. Others love for you will surprise you and bring you amazing healing. Love you. top

  • Blogger Life With All Boys says so:
    11:00 PM  

    Everyone has to cope with lose in their own way and there is nothing wrong with that. We are all here for you in anyway that you might need. You'll find your way, that I know for sure.

    xoxox
    Robin

    p.s. Tell those people who want something from you to "get lost". (That's the nice version) top

  • Blogger Because Everything Matters says so:
    11:13 PM  

    It's a long and hard road, but you can do it! You've been through some knock down in your face things, and I know you will pull through. It's ok to cry and even get angry.... But know that you are an absolutely amazing woman who is capable of anything! ANYTHING! top

  • Blogger Glass Half Full says so:
    8:33 AM  

    It's a process.....just get through it the best you can. Don't regret and don't over analyze. Just be you and do what you have you.

    Lori top

  • Anonymous O Mama Mia says so:
    12:32 PM  

    One moment at a time is all that can be done because with each moment, a new raw emotion. I'll be praying for you & wish that I were closer to help.
    Hugs top

  • Blogger LaughterThoughts says so:
    3:37 PM  

    you don't know me, but i stop by every so often. i feel your pain, and i understand what you're going through. my youngest brother died very unexpectedly in october, and i still have trouble accepting it as a reality even now. grieving is a long process... and a hard one, but it's necessary for healing. For our family, we have truly experienced the grace of God, as we've found peace- the peace that passes all understanding- in tragedy. I hope that you can find that peace, too. I'll be checking in...

    2 Corinthians 4:8-9
    We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
    perplexed, but not in despair;
    persecuted, but not abandoned;
    struck down, but not destroyed.
    top

  • Blogger Mama C-ta says so:
    4:07 PM  

    As usual your posts leave me speechless but I want so despearately to provide words of support. I'm here for you - and if you want to chat about absolutely nothing at all, I'm here. I'm the worst phone conversationalist but I can listen and talk about any silly thing you may need at the moment. xoxo top

  • Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! says so:
    4:14 PM  

    There's no formula for getting over things like this. You just have to do what you're doing. Just keep going and doing...but at your own pace, not the pace of others. It's probably going to get harder for you since Christmas is coming, but don't forget to pick up the phone if you need anything. There are tons of people that would drop everything and come to you, including me...I love you girl. top

  • Anonymous RD says so:
    1:54 AM  

    I recently dealt with the 7 year anniversary of my daddy's passing. I remember the days...the ones you are dealing with. It all SUCKS!!!

    I did the coping, then the anger...oh the anger. I was sooo angry with God for a long time. How does a girl go on without her daddy? She does. It gets easier. Never "easy" but easier. The hurt lessens and isn't so overwhelming. You will always miss, always need, but the all-encompassing grief does pass.

    You are in my thoughts and I am very sorry for your loss. I promise that you will be okay. top

  • Anonymous m says so:
    3:33 PM  

    I'm so sorry for your loss. top