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Ashlee is Mama of one darling boy. A 28 week early bird, now 1 and some change, doing beautifully. She lives near Chicago with her sweetheart husband and French Bulldog. She's a thinker not afraid to get her silly on. Babywearer, veggie queen, photography nut. Before the domestic days Ashlee was pursuing a future in developmental psychology but has happily shifted gears in favor of staying at home and couldn't imagine doing anything else. In her free time (ha!) you can find her whipping up babyslings, holding down the fort at Mama Speaks and spotlighting as an Itsy Bitsy Yoga Instructor.

Coming Clean

I shy away from my blog more often than I'd like to admit because I should be writing here. Because I have things I need to get to out, and this is supposed to be my forum to do just that. I stop myself, keep it in my head and mull it over, good, bad and ugly for another day. a week. a month. years.

I'm on this journey, in this season of growing and stretching and scratching and clawing my way around in my skin. Of rehashing the past, of wading thigh deep in quick sand to try and predict my future. And I need this. I need it out, I need to make of sense of things, I need to move forward, I need to find me. I need to stop holding on to the things I've said I've forgiven because in some way, they are fullfulling me. Because even with disruption and distance the walls make me safe. And my fear of being "exposed", of things being more real because I see them in print, of disrupting some status quo that very well may not exist but in the confines of my nightmares is not worth the stifling stillness that comes with preventing growth.

And so I'm coming clean, soul searching, getting real even if it means getting dirty. Even if it means my content isn't exactly "Mommy Blog" material. I don't know where to start, I'm hoping for some sort of organic evolution of thought and history. Of a reworking in time that makes sense of the present. Of an honesty that strips away the layers of defenses to reveal the me 25 years in the making. The me I've never seen.

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  • Blogger Adventures In Babywearing says so:
    10:11 PM  

    I'd love to see that person, too. I think I'm working out my own rehashing, too. I can't wait to read...

    Steph top

  • Blogger To Think is to Create says so:
    11:04 PM  

    I've found that the more I've given up the resistance, the more I grow into my own skin. Surrendering the fears has beared (born?) so much fruit, yet I still am pensive every time I have to "let go" again.

    I'm not wild about the "mommy blogger" label, myself. I'm a mom. I blog.

    Honestly when I started my blog 3 years ago it was a much more dark and dirty place. It was what I needed at the time (and it was anonymous!), but it wasn't sunshine and unicorns. I wasn't shining in my heart, I was searching and alone. Now that some years have gone by and I have grown a bit, I no longer need my blog to be that way. Either way is not right or wrong, its just what we need at any given time.

    You are such an out of the box girl, of course you wouldn't be a typical "mommy" blogger! top

  • Blogger Glass Half Full says so:
    7:16 AM  

    Oh, girl, I am experiencing similiar emotions about a situation. Each journey shares these feelings at one time or another.

    Lori top

  • Blogger JoynerFam says so:
    10:06 AM  

    You've seen my blog, I definitely write out my frustrations. I believe that a blog is there to help you deal with situations going on in life. If I didn't have my blog I wouldn't have a place to vent before dealing with issues with a more level head. Don't be ashamed in writing what you feel, or even think we might look down on it. Were here for you, and how better for us to know what's going on with YOU than for you to write it out for us. I am always here for you, even though I don't have a car to run and give you a hug, I'm here. Hope you feel better soon, remember we are all just phone calls away.

    Amanda top

  • Blogger Heidi says so:
    1:37 PM  

    I say just let the blog evolve with you. I think we spend our lifetime growing into our skin. It's all about the journey.

    I've said this before but you are a terrific writer and I don't think any of us "Mommy bloggers" are going to be offended! ;) At least I don't just read g - rated blogs anyway, enough of my babble.... top

  • Blogger Tracey says so:
    5:03 PM  

    Isn't that what a blog is about? The goods, the bads, the cute and the horrific? Blog on, girl. Get it out of your system. That's what this is all about. top

  • Anonymous Mama C-ta says so:
    10:42 PM  

    I'm looking foward to watching you grow here. Don't get me wrong, I love my happy X stories but I'd love to learn what's deep inside and to hear you let it all out. Because then maybe I'll know it's OK to do the same and maybe someday I will. xoxox top

  • Blogger This Mama's Trip says so:
    7:58 AM  

    The reason I started reading your blog and several others similiar to yours is because I feel I am in a period of change and self-exploration as well. It is not something that I can talk about with my "real life" friends, or even my husband. I have so much doubt about the decisions that I have made so far in life. There is just something so peaceful about reading other mom's blogs and knowing that I am not alone.

    Nikki top

  • Blogger Carol Phillips says so:
    8:06 AM  

    No kidding! I agree with all of these gals. Lord knows we've all got the dark and ugly. That's part of the beauty, actually. Bring it on, girl! top

  • Blogger Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot says so:
    2:36 PM  

    I, too am looking forward to reading. I feel like I have been figuring out who I am, through my blog. It is hard to write the ugly when I think about who is reading, but the ugly needs to be written and read. It will help more than just you! top